Saturday, February 21, 2009

Flaws as an asset

I just read this post from Lainey Gossip:

"My mother had a friend, a friend for 40 years, who sold her out as soon as she got sick. There are families that disintegrate all the time because of one sibling's betrayal of another. Women take off with their sister's husbands. Cousins empty bank accounts of aunts and uncles never to be seen again. Cain killed his own brother. These stories make headlines all the time"

And it's times like these... that I realize my biggest flaw is also my biggest asset.

I find it challenging at times to 'play nice' to hold my tongue in the interest of keeping peace. I consider myself a nice person, a good person to know and have my love and respect. I'll move mountains for my beloved.

At the same time, I abhor the absence of truth... or more specifically -
my truth. Everyone has a truth with varying degrees of accuracy. It
seems terribly closed minded, reading it here now in print but take for
example the story about the 100 sled dogs brutally killed in Whistler.
This only came to light when the man reported his PTSD to Worksafe BC.
Shit like this happens all the time and has been happening in Texas re:
Greyhound racing for decades. It's a big part of the reason why John and
I took up fostering. I feel so strongly about this, if faced with HIS
situation I never have allowed that to happen. I could never been
compensated enough such that I could do what he did. I would have found a way to save those dogs. I would have contacted other dog groups to rally. something... I don't know why but I have faith that I could have found a way.

Simply put, I cannot be pushed into doing anything I do not agree with.
I have much too strong of a will and a confidence that I'll find a way
to work my way around the situation without having to compromise. My
father deemed this stubbornness. Little did he know, it was from him I
learned it. It amuses me that this terrible attribute of my fathers
resides in me.

Reading that laundry list of offenses Lainey listed, I can't even
comprehend anyone doing that to their family. How can you? These are the
people who know and love you the best. Is it really worth it? Really?
Perhaps these people have all the ammunition to hurt you more than
anyone else.

I had a family commitment last week which created waves in my own
relationship. Simply put, my mother needed me on valentines day weekend.

How do you say no to the woman sacrificed everything so I can be the
person I am today? She worked long hard hours in a smelly fish
processing plant sorting fish eggs, standing on a steel grate over
cement. She'd come home covered in fish gut, nursing a sore stiff back
after over 12 hours of work just so I could take dance lessons, or have
something frivolous like pink carpeting in my bedroom... My mother held
vigil to administer Chinese remedies like egg rub while I had fevers.
Walked down bowls of hot won ton soup to my school so I could have a
nice lunch instead of a cold 'western' sandwich lunch that I seemed to
covet... gossiped like hens about Bo and Hope over lunch from
Kindergarten until I moved out at 24. My relationship with my mother is
important to me. I will NEVER be about to repay her kindnesses or be
willing to lose that friendship. I value it above all things.

Simply put, when it comes to my mother, I cannot say no. I owe her
everything. This is something John doesn't understand. He never had that
same relationship with his parents that I do with my mom. So she asked me to come, and I did, at the cost of my relationship.

Not really wise, is it? I had hoped he'd understand. John loves his Father very much, and we bend our every day lives to accommodate Don. I thought he'd understand familial obligations. Alas, our relationship had been under some strain lately and this was the straw that broke the
camels back. We've long since fought and made up... but the point I make here.. is that I'd sacrifice what I have with John (something crazy important to me) for what I believe is right which is honoring my mother. This doesn't mean that John isn't important. He is VERY important. But it seems pretty clear cut to me on this incident that my mother SHOULD come first. It will not always be the case, but she needs me now and I do not have any justification here to turn away.

My problem of being outspokenly standing up for what I believe in and
doing what I feel is right, at the cost of everything... and without
remorse. It doesn't win me many friends or allies unfortunately.
A battle with myself... I'm still waging.
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